1.6.13

The Anniversary of a Day (Personal)

by MJ Snow

It's gone by, now, the anniversary of that day. Each year it comes and goes, and each year I try to think of it in a different way, but it will always be that day. Nothing about yesterday was different from any other day, and yet even before I was fully awake, my whole body was aware of what day it was. I can't help but wonder each year, how many other people there might be who, like me, have a day that changed the course of their lives forever. You might think that the day of which I should be frightened is September 14, the anniversary of the day I met the man who became my abuser, and it's true, my life forever changed on that day. That was the beginning of five years of fear, pain and degradation. Instead, it is May 31, my birthday and the anniversary of the day that I escaped, which will always be my "that day."

The bravest and most terrifying thing I ever did was to challenge my abuser to the point that I thought he would kill me. Looking back though, what frightens me the most is that I had reached a point where my life with him was so bad, that I would have preferred to die, rather than to continue to live in that situation any longer. I don't think I was suicidal, although, I suppose you could technically call my actions attempted suicide by abuser. I do know that I pushed back at him harder than I ever had before on that night, even though I understood that he was well past the controlled, careful abuse which he usually doled out when I made him angry. At first I think I may have been testing him, but when I tried to run for the back door, I knew I had already pushed him beyond his limit. When he raped me that night, I truly didn't think I'd live to see the morning, and the thought was a relief. So I could tell you that I've never attempted to commit suicide, but I'd be lying.

Rock bottom is a place that I never want to see again. It's reaching the bottom that haunts me and makes me dread the anniversary. And after hitting rock bottom came the PTSD. Nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, tremors, insomnia, unexpected triggers, agoraphobia, global fear, which led to psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, medications. It's been a long, long road and I've slowly fought my way back to living a somewhat normal life. (If the life of a role player/blogger/erotica writer/animal trainer can be considered normal, that is.)

I'm not complaining, or looking for sympathy and I do not consider myself to be a victim. Overall, my life has been a good one. I've had some of the most wonderful experiences, and I'm grateful for every one. Today I'm safe, minimally medicated and my PTSD, while not completely gone, is mostly under control. I've become happy again. And I believe it was Topaz Mortmain who once said that one has to "sink to the depths, in order to rise to the heights."

For those reading this who don't know the back story, it's here, however I'm writing this for myself, as the best way for me to come to terms with this event in my life has been to write about it. Doing that has helped me heal better than any pill or therapy session ever could.

I also write this for my love, who may not always know it, but for whom I hold more love in my heart and my soul, than I ever thought was possible to possess for another person. I've never felt so safe or so truly loved and I'm so grateful to have this kind of love in my life. As I sit and think tonight, I realize that leading up to this day, I may not have been as present as I should be, as the approach of the anniversary upsets me more than I'd like to admit, or sometimes even realize, something I should have realized when the nightmares started up again, a month or so ago. Added to the recent stresses of a sick bird and the loss of an old dog, I'm afraid that maybe I have been more focused on the negative than I've realized. If so, I'm truly sorry for this and I love you with all my heart. You are my strength.


6 comments:

  1. Anonymous01 June, 2013

    ''...it is May 31, my birthday and the anniversary of the day that I escaped, which will always be my "that day." That was really really terrible! :( Sorry for the question, maybe is very stupid, but do you celebrate your birthday? I mean...there's people who probably don't know your story and they probably great for your birthday. How that makes you feel?

    Very off topic: You're the same zodiac sign as me.

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    1. It's not stupid and yes, I do celebrate my birthday, but more for my family or friends than for myself. My family has an idea, but doesn't know the details of what happened to me. I write under a pen name, so they won't find out, as I know it would hurt them to learn what really happened. My love knows and is incredible support for me. A few close friends know, but not many. I sometimes make a bad job of it, and this year was a tough one. My coworkers wanted to take me out, but I didn't go. I was supposed to eat cake last night, but I felt too nauseated to eat. I try schedule dinner on another day that's close to my birthday, but that day is always in my mind, casting a shadow over everything else. Other than from my love, I ask that gifts are donated to the exotic bird rescue where I work. It's funny because my birthday last year was better and this year it was harder again. Next year will be better, I think.

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    2. Anonymous02 June, 2013

      I really wish you so and thank you for the answer.
      PS: I forgot to tell you the first time, but I adore your blog and I check it almost every day. This doesn't make me bad person, right?

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    3. Thank you so much, we apologize for not updating any faster, but we try to keep up as much as we can! We don't think it makes you a bad person, we think it makes you awesome! You guys know you can follow mjs: @houndgirrl and @aryajeynebolton and prb: @BoltonRamsay on twitter, right? If not, you do now!

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  2. Oh wow I remember reading that story some months ago. I had no idea that it was taken from personal experience. I know you aren't looking for sympathy but I'm still sorry anythig like that had to happen to ANYONE. You're such a strong person that just seeing this post made me smile at your optimisim. I hope you continue to live and be strong. I love this little blog and all of your stories and I'll read them until you get sick of doing it and then some! <3

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    1. Oh thank you, it means a lot to read such sweet comments! We love writing this blog & only wish we had more time to update more often/quickly! We'll be at it for a long time to come. :) Also, you can follow us on twitter for more of our silliness! See post above. Or maybe I'll make a quick post to remind people. <3

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